


the pull of what we can't give up

by dialecstatic



Series: you are whatever a moon has always meant [4]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Families of Choice, Fluff, Gen, Growing Up, M/M, Mentor/Protégé, New Years, Nonbinary Character, Other, Trans Character, moving forward, this is messy and full of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 10:02:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17423798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dialecstatic/pseuds/dialecstatic
Summary: new prospects, unexpected meetings, and a renewed hope





	the pull of what we can't give up

**Author's Note:**

> finally, i finished this TvT life has been hectic with winter holidays & my work has been super super busy so this took longer than expected and is (very) late irt the events pictured but im still really happy i got it done!!
> 
> i hope everyone is having a great start to the year!
> 
> title from 'say it's possible' by terra naomi

 

Jungwoo always likes to think he's full of good ideas.

  
  
They're in the middle of takeaway dinner on Taeyong's living room floor, and everyone lays out their schedules for the last week of the year – homework and events and family commitments – and Jungwoo, after assuring Doyoung their train from home would arrive on time on the 31st, makes a general announcement and simply offers to do everything at once, Christmas and New Year's celebration, and ring in the new year right.    
  
  
  
“When are you leaving ?” Jaehyun leans against Doyoung's shoulder, and shoves a dumpling in his mouth. 

  
  
From Jungwoo's point of view, Doyoung tries their hardest not to take note of Jaehyun's pout. “The 23rd. Don't give me that face!”    


  
Mission failed, as usual.   


  
“I mean, it's a good idea,” Ten says, elbow deep in the complimentary bag of chips. “Go big or go home, right ? Johnny can drive us to the hospital anyway, so-”    


  
Johnny bangs his head back against the wall. “No !” He grabs Ten's face, squishing the other man's cheeks, and Ten scrunches up his nose. “New Year's resolution. No more going to the hospital for any reason.” Johnny wags a finger at Yuta, who shrugs like she has no idea what he's talking about.   


  
In the corner of the room, Taeyong smirks a little and then their phone buzzes against the hardwood floor and they hurry to pick it up, something more than a smile spreading across their face.    


  
“Okay, what's this.” Jungwoo mutters under his breath in Kun and Taeil's direction.    


  
Taeil touches a finger to their lips. “That's definitely new. I've noticed this has been happening since they went to visit their school for next year, though. Seems like something's brewing there.”   


  
“Or someone.” Kun quips, and the way her eyes sparkle when she says it makes Jungwoo giggle almost in spite of himself.    


  
Silently, without ever having noticed the interest at all, Taeyong sets their phone back down, happily chows down on their food. It's a new sight, truly, a liberated one that makes Jungwoo's heart swell. Happiness looks good on Taeyong, and there's a part of Jungwoo – maybe nosy, or just ever the romantic, that can't wait to find out where that happiness comes from.   


  
For now, he just shakes his head to clear his thoughts, and clears his throat. “So everyone's good for the 31st? We're going to need to start organizing.”   


  
He's met with a general noise of approval, Mark rocking back and forth with excitement. “Let's make it a good one.” then he pauses, screws up his face in thought. “Actually, let's make it the best one.”   
  


 

  
***

  
  


  
Ten feels like his fingers are going to break off and stay stuck in the gap between the door handle and the door when he pushes it open.    


  
Winter had come and made its presence known, streets and car windows frozen over as the entire town takes on a white veil and the thermometer on his bathroom window barely manages to reach positive temperatures on a good day. Still, he'd dragged himself out of bed that morning, the note on his calendar warning him that as the new year draws nearer, so does the most important event of the year.   


  
The bell at the top of the café's door rings as he walks in, and Jinki greets him from behind the counter, wearing the ugliest sweater Ten has ever seen. He's sure Sicheng would say it's couture, or avant-garde, but there's only hilarity growing in the back of his throat as Jinki takes his order while the droopy-eyed reindeer on his chest stares up at Ten.    


  
“You're outdoing yourself this year.” Ten says, letting the edges of his cappuccino cup warm up the tips of his fingers.   


  
Jinki giggles when Ten reaches over the counter to squeeze the reindeer's nose, a red ball of yarn hanging from the sweater's front. “You know I never do things halfway.” Then he jerks his head towards the back of the café, where Ten sees familiar shapes all hunched over a table. “They're here already. I have no idea what you people are planning this time, but it looks serious.”   


  
You'll find out in due time, Ten wants to say, but he only grins as far as his face, still numb from the cold, will allow him, and then he grabs his drink and makes a beeline for the last free armchair at the back.    


  
“God,” he breathes out when he sinks into the seat, taking a sip of his coffee. “It's so cold outside, feels like Satan's asshole has frozen over.”   


  
Doyoung groans as they lean back in their seat, shooting Ten a look that's nothing short of disgust. “I will literally pay you to never say another word again.” They ignore the way Ten sticks his tongue out, and turn back to Taeil, who is only watching the scene with mild amusement in their eyes. “As we were saying-”   


  
“Wait, fill me in !” Ten interjects. He grabs Yukhei's arm to gain cause, and the younger man barks out a laugh before he pulls the open notebook towards their end of the table.   


  
On the page, the words 'Kun's Super Secret Birthday Mission' are scrawled in red ink and spidery handwriting, and Ten scans over the rest of the page without being able to decipher much of it at all.   


  
“Someone decipher this for me.” he says, recognizing Doyoung's handwriting and how no one – not even Doyoung themself sometimes – is ever able to read it. He turns to Yukhei, full of hope. “Xuxi? You're like a walking Rosetta Stone, surely-”   


  
Doyoung makes an exasperated noise. “We're coordinating with the center, we want to hold the party there.” They state, pointing at a list of numbers. “This is Yixing's cellphone, this is the maximum capacity for the center's event space, and this is our budget.”    


  
Ten can't help but notice the way Doyoung cringes on the last word. From what numbers Ten can decipher, the budget in itself isn't a lot, but he's already got a few ideas to make it work.    


  
“I called Yixing yesterday.” Taeil crosses their arms over their chest. “He's on duty with the kids today, so he's going to ask them to prepare something.”   


  
At the mention of Kun's kids, Ten feels a rush of adrenaline building in his chest. “They'll be there ?”    


  
“Hopefully !” Taeil tilts their head. “Yixing told me he's going to negotiate with their parents to at least let them swing by, early afternoon should do.”   


  
Yixing will be a hero to all if he manages it, Ten thinks.    


  
He's been wanting to see Kun's kids again, ever since that day in June when they'd all gathered on the street, the only one where they'd all been truly free. He'd seen the looks of wonder and amazement on their faces, at everything around them, and he'd seen how Kun had watched over every single one of them still, even within their little group. She'd done so much work to get them to that place, and even as they grew some more right in front of her eyes, she still kept her attention up and on the road ahead.   


  
Oftentimes, Ten wonders if he would have turned out differently, with less cuts and bruises, if he'd had someone like Kun in his life at that age. All the fighting had gotten him this far, but in his formative years it's tenderness that he'd missed.   


  
“I'm not confident in how well we'll be holding up,” Taeil looks into the distance like they're already feeling the hangover. “But please try to set a good example ?”

  
Ten uncaps his coffee cup to get the last drops, and he grins at Taeil. “You know I always do.”

  
  


***

 

 

Kun goes over the to-do list ten times over before she drops it on her desk, heaving a sigh as she does.

 

She isn’t sure exactly why she let herself be convinced to hold the New Year’s party at the center, only that Yukhei had been so adorably adamant about it that she had asked the owner and been completely unsurprised when they’d agreed.

 

(“Why not Taeil’s place like last year?” she’d asked Yukhei, remembering the way they’d all squeezed and fit in the living room there, and had been perfectly fine despite Jaehyun falling asleep with his body halfway in the bathroom.

 

Yukhei had grinned, huge and devilish. “We’ve gotten bigger.” 

 

Kun had given up on understanding what he meant almost as soon as he said it, and had simply made the call to arrange the date.)

 

Everything seems to be moving so fast, these days. She’d blinked and Doyoung and Jungwoo had left to visit their families for winter break, leaving her with notes and a very enthusiastic but volatile Yukhei, who wants to do everything at once and is always hanging to his phone, hiding it away in his pocket every time Kun enquires about it.

 

And then, there’s the auditions Taeil has started going to, Yuta and Johnny’s graduate arts programs applications, Taeyong’s new school where it seems they’ve already found their place, and Kun feels a shiver running through her when she realizes how little time they have left together. She’s tried to prepare herself for it, listened to Taeil talking about the places they want to go, the touring musicals and the programs across the country, and had held onto the sparkle in their eyes to keep her own heart from breaking.

 

They’ll be fine, surely. A little distance is nothing, not when you’ve got a bond like theirs. Still, as much as she tries to convince herself, Kun can’t help but reread the list and wish this party was as far into the future as they all have to look.

 

She’s about to throw the towel in for the day when someone knocks on her door. “Kunnie? You in here?” 

 

“Not for long.” she calls. “Come in.”

 

The door clicks open and Ten is standing there, an inquisitive look on his face as he leans against the doorframe. 

 

“I thought you and Johnny were going out today.” 

 

Ten huffs out a laugh and walks in, sits on Kun’s desk and she doesn’t even have the heart to protest. “Yeah, later. It’s 4 in the afternoon, we’re going clubbing not ballroom dancing.” 

 

“Call me old,” Kun stretches, arms above her head. “But ballroom dancing is pretty cool.” 

 

She likes the ceremonious aspect of it all, and the outfits too. 

 

“Sure you do.” Ten pushes at her shoulder. “Yukhei told me you’d be in here, says you might need help.”

 

Kun snorts, completely defeated by the situation. Sounds like Yukhei, really, to excuse himself for a date day with Jungwoo and in turn send Kun the only person who might be more explosive than he is. The one thing no one can take away from him is how full of good intentions he is, and Kun silently thanks him for still thinking of her, even when he should be focusing on himself.

 

“This your list?” Ten takes the paper from Kun’s hands before she can protest. “Yeah, we can definitely get some of that done today… and then get you to Taeil’s because you need a break.” he remarks, pinching the top of Kun’s ear.

 

She swats his hand away, leans back in her chair. “I just need everything done and perfect, you know? It’s… It’s going to be a special one.”

 

At that moment, she can’t bring herself to voice that it might be their last. If she doesn’t say it, it doesn’t need to be.

 

“I know.” Ten puts a hand on her shoulder. Somehow, despite the fact that he came from the frozen outside, the warmth of his palm soaks through Kun’s sweater. “C’mon, let’s go to the store and then I’ll buy you hot cocoa.” he tilts his head in thought. “Irish, probably.”

 

Kun giggles in the back of her throat. “Is this your responsible act of the day?”

 

“The one and only, yes!” Ten laughs right back. In one swift movement, he pushes himself off the desk and gabs Kun’s coat, tosses it at her. “Surely it balances out.”

 

It’s his own kind of logic, sure, but Kun fails to find any way to disprove it. Ten’s heart has always been in the right place, and that’s what matters to Kun when she shrugs her coat on and lets her friend lead her out into the street.

  
  


***

  
  


Johnny feels a shiver going through his body as he wakes, and his first instinct is to pull the blanket tighter around himself. 

 

When he hears Ten groan next to him, the night before - the club and the flashing lights and the entirely too many gin and tonics - come rushing back to him, and Johnny realizes it’s not the temperature that’s bothering him.

 

He hoists himself up on his elbow, examines the situation. There’s no other way to get to the bathroom without disrupting Ten than sliding under the covers and to the foot of the bed so that’s exactly what Johnny does, shimmying against the sheets until his feet feel cold, and then his calves, and then he’s on the ground.

 

“Mmhmhhm.” Ten comments, rolling over to Johnny’s side of the bed. 

 

Johnny giggles to himself and then pushes himself up, rubs his eyes to try and get a grip on where he is. The bathroom is just there, behind the door with the absurdly saturated movie poster, and it still takes all of his willpower to get there on two shaky legs. 

 

Granted, going clubbing on Christmas Eve probably isn’t the most brilliant idea either of them have had, but the invitation had been delivered in person by one of Ten’s favorite TA’s, and Johnny had welcomed the break from the seemingly endless editing process of his final project. How they’d gotten back to Ten’s apartment is a foggy mystery, and even the cold water splashing on Johnny’s face fails to make things clearer.

 

All his limbs are still in place, and he doesn’t seem to have gotten into a fight, so Johnny assumes everything went fine regardless of the gaps. He cards his wet fingers through his hair, trying to comb down a few wild strands of hair, and gives up halfway through, when the bathroom’s neon light starts hurting his eyes. 

 

“You’re up awfully early.” Ten greets him when Johnny is trying to slide back into bed without being heard. 

 

Johnny makes sure he’s fully nestled under the covers before wrapping an arm around Ten’s middle and glancing at the alarm clock on the bedside drawer. “It’s half past noon.” he hadn’t realized, even as he’d tried to bring himself back to a somewhat stable state of existence. “Looks like we’re not going anywhere today.”

 

“As if that had ever been the plan.” Ten says through what Johnny assumes is a sleepy attempt at a grin. 

 

Outside the tiny window above them, Johnny can hear rain coming down, and he hopes it will eventually turn to snow. 

 

He’s so focused on the sound that he doesn’t notice Ten has left the bed until he comes back and hands Johnny a water bottle of dubious origin but refreshing content (“Did you steal this at the club? I’ve never seen this brand before, must be fancy” -- “Shh, don’t ask, just drink.”), the cool water feeling like it’s trickling down his lungs.

 

“I’m definitely not awake enough to make coffee,” Ten chimes, wiping his mouth on the neckband of his shirt. “Might not ever be, so better make every drop count!” 

 

He tries to steal the bottle from Johnny, who dodges as artfully as he can with his left brain pounding against his skull. “Ow. Remind me next time, gin really isn’t my thing.”

 

“It has never been your thing.” Ten pushes a finger to the middle of Johnny’s forehead. “But you were so offended when the bartender challenged you, I didn’t have the heart to stop you.” 

 

An image flashes before Johnny’s eyes of someone standing behind a counter and presenting a bottle. Seconds later, he screws his eyes shut to chase a growing pain away.

 

Ten settles against the pillows, fist balled up over his heart. “Still, you did better than I thought you would! Almost won us the bottle!” he quips, turns to make eyes at Johnny. “We’ll get them next time.”

 

The words ring out, almost hollow. There’s so much waiting for them in the next immediate while that right now, next time still feels so far away. 

 

Johnny doesn’t want to let the moment linger but it happens without warning, and Ten taps against Johnny’s chest once, twice, checking that he’s still in there.

 

“Or we can take it easy.” he says, lifting himself up again. “You okay?”

 

Up on the ceiling, there’s yellowed phosphorescent stars Ten had stuck there the first week he’d moved in. They’re not glowing right now, not with the light of day streaming in, and yet Johnny sees their imprint behind his eyelids when he inhales. He wonders how much he’s going to miss them, if he will miss them at all.

 

“I hope I remember the next time.” he breathes out, tries to force himself to get the words out. “Might be the last.”

 

Ten folds his hands between his crossed legs. “Already thinking about that?”

 

“It’s so soon.” Johnny’s not proud that he’s already letting it get to his head. “Only two months, and then I’ll officially have graduated college.”

 

And left.

 

But he doesn’t say that.

 

Ten rubs the back of his neck to work the soreness out. “Feels like it went by so fast.”

 

Johnny feels like he should agree, but he’s too afraid to voice it. Acknowledging the passing of time means that it’s just a little more real, and he’s not sure how much of that he can handle, not when his last year is drawing to a close and he still hasn’t even begun to figure out how to say goodbye.

 

Still, he’s going to have to say it, sooner or later. The sooner the better, he hears a voice that sounds like his own in the back of his head. The rational part of him is always trying to fight the romantic. 

 

“It’s going to be ok, right? You’re going to be ok?” Johnny can’t help but ask.

 

Ten gives him an inquisitive look. “Yeah, I am. You don’t seem so sure though.”

 

If he looks over at his bag where it’s resting in a corner of the room, Johnny is almost certain he’ll see it catch on fire from the contents of his laptop alone. He hasn’t been able to stop rereading the email for weeks on end, sometimes checking it twice over just to make sure he hasn’t dreamed it up entirely.

 

“Ten.” 

 

He doesn’t intend to sound as solemn as he does, and Ten raises his eyebrows at him. “Yes?”

 

Sooner or later feels more and more like now or never.

 

Johnny breathes in deep, tries to take in as much oxygen as he can in case he ends up running out. “About two months ago, one of my professors told us he’s taking time off next year to go work on a movie set.”

 

Ten nods, attentive. Despite his best efforts, Johnny feels like he’s running on fumes already.

 

“He gave us the opportunity to submit applications to come with him as an assistant, or an intern, I’m not sure which he said it was anymore but-” Great, and now he’s stalling, running circles in his mind while Ten is sitting still, waiting for him. “And you know, I was still exploring my options, I thought it would be a good test of my abilities, so I applied.”

 

He barely knows what to make of himself anymore, his heart beating erratically against his ribs. Ten tilts his head to the side, stays silent.

 

“I got it.” Johnny breathes out, and the world stands still. “The whole team loved my work, apparently, and they want me on board.” 

 

Ten rocks back and forth where he’s sitting, visibly waiting to hear more. “And?”

 

“And obviously, I want to go, I really do but- I don’t even know if I should tell you this-” 

 

Ten cocks his head to the side like he’s daring Johnny to follow through on that statement. 

 

“Okay yeah, it’s amazing. But also, it’s- look it’s in Europe.” Johnny feels like he just jumped out of a hot air balloon. “They’re shooting in Budapest from April, then Prague in May, finishing up in Amsterdam in June, there’s going to be a full crew then we’re going to post and editing but I think we’ll be back for that? No later than August-”

 

The wider Ten’s eyes get, the more Johnny scrambles to find words and keep going. He feels a knot tying itself ten times over in his throat, stumbles across sentences and thoughts. Ten says nothing for a few excruciatingly long seconds, and then he smiles, and the world starts up again.

 

“I’m so fucking proud of you.”  

 

Johnny thinks his heart is going to go into overdrive and shoot out of his chest. “What?”

 

“I said,” Ten shifts to kneel closer on the bed, grabs Johnny’s face in both hands. “I am so fucking proud of you, Johnny Suh.” 

 

Disbelief washes over the entire room. For the first time since he’s been trying to break the news, Johnny isn’t sure what he actually expected.

 

“You’re not... mad?”

 

Ten snorts, furrows his brows like he thinks he misheard. “Why in the world would I be mad.”

 

There’s probably a thousand questions Johnny has asked himself that Ten had reassured him he didn’t need the answer to.

 

“I’d be gone for so long. I’d be leaving you, and everyone else-”

 

Ten bumps their foreheads together hard enough to shut Johnny up. “We’ll survive without you, mister. We can take care of ourselves.” he laughs softly. “This is your dream. And it’s your chance. If you compromise it for us-” and Johnny isn’t sure which us Ten is referring to. “I’m not sure I could ever forgive you.”

 

Johnny can barely move. He swallows hard, feels Ten’s warmth next to him, Ten’s hands on him, and he lets Ten’s words ring in his ears for as long as they’ll want to linger. He opens his mouth to speak but it feels like someone’s stuffed it full of cotton, barely able to let the oxygen pass through.

 

“You are going to experience so many amazing things. And when you come back you’ll tell everyone all about them, and we’ll all marvel at your worldliness and your stories.” Ten speaks for him, soft and slow and steady, and Johnny tries to match the rhythm of his heartbeat to the rhythm of the words. “And I’ll get to brag that my boyfriend toured Europe and Doyoung’s didn’t. What more could we possibly want?”

 

Put it like this, it does seem like all benefits. 

 

“We’re going to make it count.” he pushes back against Ten, finds his hand to intertwine their fingers. “To keep making it count.” he corrects himself and Ten huffs out a laugh, eyes finding each other. 

 

The promise Johnny had made to himself upon entering university had been to do away with regrets. He still holds a few, despite himself. Not going to that concert, first semester of sophomore year, not having the time for the torrefaction workshop last fall, not making good on his promise to try and use the free piano in the auditorium for practice. He’s gotten rusty and he knows it, feels a dopey smile coming on when he remembers the last time he’d tried to play for Taeil and had completely missed the octave.

 

The moments that did happen, and the things he did commit to, immediately make the regrets seem lesser, like he can live with them. Maybe someday he’ll learn to accept them, but it seems there’s still time. 

 

“That’s right.” Ten grins, as potent as ever.

 

So much of it, after all.

 

 

***

 

 

Taeyong burrows deeper inside their scarf and steps out of the bus, almost regretting leaving the house when the winter air hits the tip of their nose. 

 

Even then, staying in when the city is in full color seemed like a waste of winter break. Soon they’ll be on the other side of the city, and it might as well be the other side of the world, so braving the cold and the snow doesn’t seem so bad, if it means enjoying these streets just a little more.

 

It’s approaching faster than any of them could have imagined, but somehow, despite the already growing feeling of longing in their gut, Taeyong feels hopeful above anything else.

 

They’d been so afraid of letting the world turn before, terrified of where it might lead them. Now they almost can’t wait for the days to pass and for the new year to come, can’t wait for the new places they’re going to go.

 

It’s not goodbye, Taeyong thinks as they look up to see the familiar neon sign above the coffee shop’s door. Through the window, the same usual crowd of students and neighborhood residents huddle around tiny tables, warm their burdened hearts together.

 

Even if they’re sure they’ll come back one day, and meet the same people with different dreams, Taeyong can’t help but find it strange that after four years, it soon won’t be a part of their routine anymore.

 

“Hey!” 

 

Taeyong knows that voice, but they refuse to believe it.

 

They can hear the heels of their shows dipping into the thin, crisp layer of snow as they turn around, hands deep in their pockets, fists closed around their own hope. 

 

A cold wind takes them by surprise, but they feel warm from within.

 

“Want to get coffee?” Jonghyun grins, lifts his shoulders up as a giggle overtakes him when Taeyong feels their eyes grow wide.

 

“What in the world…” they shuffle across the concrete, try not to slip even as they hurry over to Jonghyun, wrap their arms around his shoulders on instinct. “Seriously, what the fuck?”

 

Their voice is muffled into Jonghyun’s scarf, and Jonghyun brings them in closer. “Er… Merry Christmas?” 

 

Taeyong takes a step back and holds Jonghyun by his shoulders, trying to make sense of the fact that he’s here with them, on the other side of the city from where he lives, in the cold. The day is grey and almost dark already, but the decorations on the street light up Jonghyun’s face as he smiles, obviously content with his entrance.

 

“You’ve talked about this place a lot, so here I am.” he says, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. 

 

Feet stuck to the ground, Taeyong tries to make sense of it all and doesn’t realize they’re still silent until Jonghyun starts fidgeting in place.

 

“Oh my gosh, I should have called right? I really should have, this is weird, is this- Is this weird?” 

 

Maybe it is a little weird, to Taeyong, how they could have mattered so much to Jonghyun from the get-go that he crossed the entire city to meet them, that this is where he wanted to be on Christmas. Maybe it’s a little weird, and unusual, how their heart feels like it’s about to beat right out of their chest and onto the frozen concrete, out there or everyone and especially for Jonghyun to see. If it’s a little weird, they don’t mind it anymore. Life is complicated enough already.

 

They take a breath, and even if it suddenly reminds them of how cold the air is, their cheeks still feel warm. “It’s good.”

 

It’s also terribly amusing, the way Jonghyun completely deflates as they say this, relief washing over his face. He scratches the back of his neck under his beanie, wisps of hair curling around the hem, framing his face like a year-end miracle.

 

“I know we’re going to see a lot more of each other, maybe more than we ever wanted to,” he takes a timid step towards Taeyong. “But-- But I had to see you again. No matter how corny that might sound.” 

 

His fingertips poke out from his coat sleeve to tug at Taeyong’s scarf, tethering them together.

 

“I mean. At least you’re self-aware.” Taeyong tries not to laugh, and fails miserably. “But corny is good. Corny is what I needed. Corny is…” and then Jonghyun smiles, warm and bright and Taeyong’s hand meets his easily. “Perfect.”

 

Jonghyun lets his head fall against Taeyong’s shoulder. “Oh thank god.” he shifts from foot to foot like he’s building up courage, then he looks at Taeyong again. “So. Do you want to get coffee? Or are we going to stand here waiting for spring to come.”

 

As they push at Jonghyun’s shoulder to steer him in the direction of the coffee shop’s door, Taeyong thinks they wouldn’t mind taking root until spring if it meant they got to watch the sun rise with Jonghyun.

  
  


***

  
  
  


The bus is empty when Sicheng gets on it. Their card beeps against the reader and they nod to the driver, navigate the seats until they’re at the back of the vehicle. 

 

Of course, they reason, no one is there. They figure everyone has already gotten to their family homes, intent on spending the day together, finish off the year the same way it started. 

 

Sicheng supposes there’s people who carried on their merry way, never worrying about change, never confronted with pain or riddled with self-doubt. They suppose there’s a number of people who live through life rather than living it at all, blissfully unaware of so many of the things that sum up Sicheng’s life.

 

Even if it was easier, Sicheng can’t see themself giving up any of those things for the world. 

 

Not voluntarily, at least.

 

The coming school year looms above all of them like an uncertain shadow, and Sicheng sometimes catches themselves staring at Taeil’s back, at the slope of Johnny’s shoulders, at Taeyong’s nervous hands and Yuta’s wandering eyes, and wondering how the rest of them will fare once they’re gone.

 

In the fragile balance they’ve found together, everyone has their place. Sicheng wonders if they’ll feel a need to fill the absence, or if they’ll still be enough.

 

The familiar bell tone rings out and Sicheng fishes their phone out of the front pocket of their bag - thinking back to all the times their friends had, gently, with all the misguided love in the world, made fun of them for not using silent mode.

 

(“I like the bell!” they’d said, shoving Ten out halfway off of where he’d plopped down on top of them.

 

“What are you, my grandpa?” Ten had giggled and rolled over on the bed, feet up on the wall. “It’s cute though. Like all of you.”)

 

Speak of the devil.

 

**[Tennie (2:28PM)]** _Where ARE YOU._

  
**[Tennie (2:28PM)]** _Kun is going to walk circles into the floor._  
  


Sicheng snickers as they look down at the bag full of decorations they’ve been hauling from the studio to their place and now to the center, where Kun promised a New Year’s party no one would forget.

 

**[You (2:29PM)]** _ Got held up. The kids here yet? _

 

_ Held up _ is their own transparent excuse for  _ lounged in bed way longer than I should have _ , but Sicheng knows that Ten will probably figure it out and understand, and that Kun doesn’t need to know. 

 

 

Three bells in a row and there’s a picture of Kun hastily rearranging the table, and Sicheng rubs their temple as the bus pulls into the second to last stop.   
  


**[Tennie (2:31PM)]** _No, thank god._

 

**[Tennie (2:31PM)]** _ Yixing said they’re arriving around 3 _

  
**[Tennie (2:31PM)]** _This is the fourth time she’s changing the napkins PLEASE GET HERE SOON_

 

Sicheng is halfway through wondering why Kun even purchased enough types of napkins to be able to change them that many times when the bus makes a hasty stop, and they’re scrambling down it, rounding the street corner to where they know the center is, marked on their mind map with a red arrow.

  
  
  
  
  


When Sicheng walks through the door, Kun feels like she could kiss them.

 

“You’re here! And you have the decorations oh thank goodness.”

 

Sicheng sidesteps her when she tries to grab the bag. “Glad to see you’ve been expecting… me.”

 

Kun hangs her head and hears Sicheng giggle above her. “I have been.” she straightens up, and Sicheng leans over to peck her on the cheek. “I have, I swear.”

 

“You know this is all probably just going to end up on the floor, right.” Jaehyun remarks when Kun hands him the string lights, and she just shoos him away with an exasperated noise. “Okay then.”

 

Kun is perfectly aware that the circumstances don’t necessarily call for interior decorating. She’s aware that the night is going to be long, and eventful, and probably drenched in the special kind of chaos her friends are specialized in, but she still dresses the table for a New Year’s celebration, even if the feast is takeout from the corner and off-brand champagne. 

 

It’s the little things that count, as always, and it helps her keep her mind off things.

 

“Hey.” Jungwoo bumps his shoulder against hers. “It’s been a hell of a ride, right? This year.”

 

He says it so nonchalantly, while hanging up a big, block letters ‘Happy New Year’ banner, that Kun almost stops in her tracks to realize that indeed, it has been. So many things happened this year that she never could - or would have dared to - dream of, and it hits her right on the head.

 

“Sure has.” she tries to keep her composure, even while Jungwoo whistles some off-beat tune and sneaks sideway glances at her. “For you too.”

 

Jungwoo’s eyes follow the way Yixing walks to the front door, and he smiles at the ground when he’s done with the banner. “All of us, really. It’s a miracle we got through it in one piece.”

 

“Wishful thinking, the year isn’t quite over yet.” Kun chuckles, almost to herself, when she hears someone trip over their own feet behind her.

 

She hears the sound of soles shuffling rapidly across the floor, and then Yixing is behind her, hand on her shoulder. “Mind if I steal you away from this obviously important task?” he says, taking the bag of decoration from Kun’s hands and steering her away from the wall.

 

When she turns around, there’s a few more people standing here than she expected to see today. Haechan waves and winks, face half-hidden still in a giant woolen scarf - a gift from a parent, maybe. It looks handmade, and they fold it up carefully to store it away in their bag. Next to them, Jisung takes a ridiculous amount of time peeling off each layer of clothing he’s bundled in until he’s down to his sweatshirt, cheeks and nose rosy from the cold. It takes Renjun approximately two seconds to make a joke about how Jisung’s mother should just wrap him in bubblewrap next time, and Jeno shakes their head with a laugh as they scuttle across the room to meet Doyoung, Jaemin following in their tracks but falling in Taeyong’s arms instead.

 

They’re all here, and it doesn’t make sense at all, but Kun feels her heart tighten at the sight just the same.

 

“Wait, what is going on?” Kun tries to protest as Taeil grabs her by the shoulders and motions for her to sit down, eyes darting to every person in the room. “I thought you were all going to spend the day with your families”

 

Chenle gives her two thumbs up and a sunny smile. “We are! We’re just swinging by for a special occasion.” 

 

“Kun.” Taeil squeezes her hand and when Kun turns around, she finds them kneeling next to her, looking up. “Please tell me you didn’t actually forget.”

 

“Wouldn’t be very surprised, to be honest.” Johnny folds his arms over his chest. “You’ve been so caught up in organizing this for us…” 

 

Kun closes her eyes.

 

There have been years, in a past that seems so distant now, when she wished she could have forgotten the date, forgotten the occasion, forgotten herself entirely. Things would have been so much simpler then, if she’d been lost to memory. There would have been no condescending emails to open, no phone calls from distant family members to ignore, no realization that the seasons change and she grows older but she’s still stuck in the same cycle. 

 

She hasn’t made a habit of celebrating that. 

 

“I haven’t.”

 

Instead she made a habit of celebrating little victories, an exam passed, a new friend, a name finally found, peace of mind restored, as many things that make life a little brighter somehow. 

 

Kun thinks Yuta would probably say that cycles, much like rules, are made to be broken. They all know a little more about that than most people. Feeling Taeil’s hand in hers, looking around the room, at her friends and her kids, the quiet presence, the space they inhabit in her heart and in her world, Kun makes the same realization she has for every day of the past months.

 

“It’s been so long since I even thought about it, I just didn’t know what to do.” she murmurs, pinching her lips together to keep down the ball in her throat.

 

Taeyong sighs and Yixing huffs, the two of them looking at the kids who are still standing near the blackboard, all eyes on Kun. 

 

“We kind of figured.” Yukhei balances on the balls of his feet as he crouches on Kun’s other side. “But we couldn’t let it pass. Not after everything you’ve done, I mean… Everyone here owes you. Big time.” 

 

Kun reaches out to ruffles Yukhei’s hair. “You don’t owe me anything.”

 

“That’s your opinion.” Yukhei points at the air, and Kun rolls her eyes, shakes her head like she still can’t believe him after all this time. “But the fact is, we wouldn’t be here-” he looks around the room, at the people and the place. “Figuratively and literally, if it weren’t for you.”

 

“We can take the other accomplishments,” Ten chimes in, leaning against the window. “If it makes you feel better. But this is all you.”

 

There’s something pushing at the back of Kun’s mind and she throws her head back, lets a few seconds pass to make sure the moment is real. When she looks down everyone is still here, and the world is still turning, and maybe she’s ready to take the final step into it.

 

“I’m… happy.” she states, and maybe she’s talking to herself as much as to the people in the room. “It’s been a while since I wanted to say this out loud. I was always afraid of how false it would ring.”

 

It doesn’t anymore, and she wants to repeat it again and again, to shout it from the nearest rooftop, post it all over the front page. 

 

“I’m happy.”

 

Next to the blackboard, Yixing grins so wide it looks like his face probably hurts. He turns to the kids, invites them to the front of the room. It’s only when Jisung is standing in front of her with his feet turned inward and hands nervously clutching a piece of paper that Kun starts wondering again. 

 

“Okay now what’s this.”

 

Yixing passes behind Jisung and gives him a firm pat on the back. “Let all of them tell you.” 

 

“Er.” Jisung clears his throat and Kun can’t help but give him an OK signal, because she doesn’t think she’s ever seen the boy look this nervous before. “Kun.” he stops, fingers creasing the piece of paper even further from how tight he’s holding it. “Mama Kun..?”

 

The entire room falls into a fit of giggles and Jisung hides behind his paper, eyes peeking out. Kun sees the way his eyebrows relax when he notices people aren’t laughing at him but with him, and he straightens his spine the way his dancer’s instinct tells him to. 

 

“Thank you for giving us a place to call home.” 

 

It burns behind Kun’s eyelids and she swallows hard, nods to encourage Jisung along.

 

“Even if we’re not always sure what we want, you always give us the time.”

  
  


There’s a pond in the corner of Kun’s eyes when Chenle high fives Jisung and takes his place. 

 

“You taught us that the world is like music.” they say, fingers playing an imaginary piano. “There’s lots of different melodies and tempos, and all of them are important.”

 

When Chenle tries to go by memory, Kun can see they’ve highlighted some parts of their message on the crumpled bit of sheet music they used to write it. It makes her laugh and screw her eyes shut and there’s a stream that forms across her cheeks, in her heart.

 

Jaemin doesn’t have notes, that Kun can see, until he sneaks a glance at his open palm. “I get nervous.” he says, grits his teeth for a second until Taeyong shouts a word of encouragement. 

 

“I always want to go so fast, you know? Leave no time for second-guessing otherwise that’s all I do.”

 

Kun nods in spite of herself, because she remembers the afternoons the two of them had spent working on that. 

 

“Thank you for teaching me it’s ok to go slow. And, like. It’s ok to not know.”

 

“It is.” Kun hears herself whisper, stream finding its way to the river, back to the shore that summer.

 

“We’ll all find our way in the end, right?” Haechan’s fist is balled up at their side as they speak, like they’re still trying to convince themself. “It’s all about taking your time. I wouldn’t know this by now if it weren’t for you.”

 

In a small sidestep, Jaemin offers a high five and Haechan enthusiastically returns it.

 

“We get there little by little, and we’ve got each other to help make sense of it.” Haechan splays their hand over their heart, motions for Jeno to take their place.

 

For the second it takes Jeno to clear their throat, Kun steals a glance at Doyoung and finds them with their hands linked in front of their face, waiting and expecting. Upstream, she can see the lake, wide enough to wash over everything.

 

Jeno blinks a few times, bites their lip when they read over the small notebook in their hand. If their voice sounds stuck and tight, no one mentions it. “I feel so lucky I found this place, and you. Sometimes I wonder where I’d be, if I hadn’t, I wonder if I’d still be looking and searching, but-” they take a deep breath, steady presence on shaky ground. “Then I realize I don’t have to wonder. Because my reality is so much better thanks to you.”

 

Kun screws her eyes shut, and she can feel Taeil’s hand in hers as the stream pushes the lake down into the sea. “You did that all by yourself.” she insists, her own voice breaking in her throat.

 

Her face feels too hot and her eyes sting and she wants to hide behind her hands and process all of it, but then there’s the sound of soles squeaking across the floor and Kun looks up to find Renjun, empty hands and shiny eyes, standing in front of her.

 

“I’ve been trying to find… I’m not sure what it is. I still don’t know what I’m looking for.” Renjun announces. “But it’s okay. You-” Renjun turns to Yixing, acknowledges him too. “You built this place for us, right? Even when it gets dark, and the world is too fast… At least I have a place in this world where I don’t have to run.”

 

A moment passes, up in the air. 

 

Renjun looks straight ahead. “I have a place in this world.”

 

Kun feels like she’s floating, like they’re all in the middle of the ocean, currents taking them home. 

 

“You do.” she pushes herself to her feet, barely has time to wipe her eyes on her sleeve before Renjun crashes into her, arms and hands winding tight and holding her there, softly sobbing into the crook of her neck. 

 

When she comes up for air, Kun motions to her kids, all of them, and it takes maybe half a second for Jaemin to lead the others into the embrace, Renjun wiggling to weave some space in the bundle of hearts. 

 

“Well,” Yixing walks over to them, pulls Kun into a half-hug. “Here’s to hoping you won’t forget anymore.” 

 

When she spins on her heels, Kun can see all of her friends grinning, certainly proud of their little tour de force, and Taeil is standing now, a hand touching their lips like they’re admiring a masterpiece. As their eyes meet, Taeil winks, and Kun feels her face catch on fire as Jaemin and Haechan poke her in the ribs to tease.

 

“Not a chance.” 

  
  
  


 

Taeil waits until Jaemin’s father and Kun are done bowing at each other so deeply their faces almost touch the floor to unearth the first bottle of margarita mix from the center’s minifridge.

 

“Common courtesy, right? Not in front of the parents.” They say as they uncap it, Ten fumbling with a stack of plastic cups next to them.

 

The cocktail shaker was a gift from Doyoung, who almost instantly regretted it, and Taeil thinks they probably shouldn’t take such joy in the horrified expression that paints Doyoung’s face when it comes out of their bag. Still, they get to work, because it’s almost seven and night is already settling deep around them, ready to greet the new year before all of them even have a chance. 

 

“Yeah, let’s continue to make them think we’re all decent people like Kun.” Johnny sits on their right, steals Ten’s cup from his ready hands and giggles at the outraged sound his boyfriend makes. “Otherwise they’ll never let the kids come back.”

 

He doesn’t believe a word of it, and Taeil hears it in his voice. For all their misgivings and shortcomings, Taeil thinks, there isn’t much better people they’d rather be around, and they wish they’d had this kind of support system when they were the kids’ age, instead of taking a giant leap of faith into a life that never turned out to be quite the ideal they’d hoped for.

 

Everything happening in the room, though, convinces them that things turned out alright in the end. 

 

The idea of leaving everything behind still creeps up at the back of their neck, every time they see the stack of audition files on their table, everytime they turn up for rehearsal for their final showcase. Nothing will ever be quite as it was, not with the four of them leaving, and everyone staying behind to keep sailing the boat they’d built together, a makeshift island in a stormy sea.

Johnny will be fine, this much Taeil would be ready to vouch for. Even miles away, even on the other side of the world, he’ll find ways to stay anchored here. There isn’t a moment Taeil has doubted it, even now, when Johnny is leaning all the way over on the table to try and pry the bottle of tequila from Jungwoo. 

 

Taeyong is on their way, and there’s still that sadness in their eyes sometimes that Taeil noticed when they first met, like they’ve lived a hundred lives like this one before and this is the last chance they’ve given themselves to get it right. If Taeil looks across the room at Taeyong now, balanced cross-legged on a chair as Mark recounts some story that happened to him over the holidays, they can see hope blooming Taeyong’s irises instead.

 

Yuta sways from foot to foot to the music Doyoung puts on, eyes half-lidded as she lets herself get swept up in the moment, her heart in the right place instead of on her sleeve. Maybe it’s a good thing, for now, that she’s learned how to rein it in. With time she’ll get to tame it, use it to her advantage, and finally, make peace with it at last. 

 

If distance makes the heart grow fonder, as the poets say, surely the months to come will only reaffirm what all of them know to be true.

 

Even as they hold on to this, Taeil can’t help their heart from tightening at the thought of how different everything will be.

 

“What’s up sunshine.” Johnny probably doesn’t realize how loud his own voice is, but it’s ok. He’s hanging off of Taeil with one arm around their shoulder, his other hand holding his precious drink. “Should I be worried you’re not drinking your own cocktail?”

 

Taeil snorts and steals Johnny’s drink from him in one swift movement. “If you insist!” 

 

“Should have known better.” Johnny pouts. “You’re not getting all emotional on us here, are you? Because I guarantee none of us are drunk enough to handle it right now.”

 

They’ve never needed that before.

 

But that was before, and this is now, when everyone is trying to contend with the fact that they’ll be apart for the first time since they all met, a bittersweet recipe for the future.

 

“I still have time for that.” Taeil takes another sip before they give Johnny his drink back. “I was just thinking of how proud I am. Of all of us.”

 

Johnny holds them a little tighter to his side. “Yeah. Right now, we have nothing to worry about.” he downs the rest of the cup in one go like he’s afraid someone else will come around to take it from him. “Well, aside from how horribly sappy we’re getting on half a drink already. Are we getting old? Is this what it feels like?”

 

Taeil pokes him in the ribs to shut him up and Johnny yelps, doubling over in his hoodie. Surely, if they can laugh about it, then all is as well as it’s always been.

  
  
  
  
  


“Ten!”

  
  


It’s Johnny that brings their attention to the beginning of the countdown, excitedly waving his phone around, and they all stumble upon themselves to gather closer to each other, an enthusiastic chorus.

  
  


“Nine!”

  
  


Mark bangs his fist on the table, leaves his chair to join the fray. He feels like his heart is beating on the rhythm of the countdown, his life unfolding a bit more like a flower in bloom.

  
  


“Eight!”

  
  


Jungwoo feels Yukhei’s arms wrapping across his chest, the weight of Yukhei’s joyous presence on his back. “I love you!” Yukhei chirps in his ear and Jungwoo sways with him, whispering back words he never thought he’d get the chance to say.

  
  


“Seven!”

  
  


Doyoung empties their glass before the last moments expire, feels the bubbles tickling the back of their throat. They haven’t felt this light in a long time, closing their eyes to listen to the music of the universe.

  
  


“Six!”

  
  


Sicheng runs over to Jaehyun, hears the shutter click as they screw up their face in the biggest, most exaggerated, sincerest smile they can muster. Jaehyun lets his camera rest around his neck and he cheers as Sicheng bows.

  
  


“Five!”

  
  


Ten peeks out of the center’s window, takes in the night sky, marred with so many stars, and he takes in even the ones he can’t see beyond the clouds. There’s an eternity up there, but it can’t hold a candle to the one they’re building down here, huddled together and standing tall as they celebrate another year spent not surviving but thriving.

  
  


“Four!”

  
  


Yuta feels a surge of hunger coursing through her, hunger for life and love and happiness like never before. She raises her glass and Sicheng raises theirs back, the warm sound of the night outside barely heard above the noise but resonating in their hearts just the same.

  
  


“Three!”

  
  


Johnny sees a red light pass by outside, a car speeding into the night, people cheering on the street. He thinks of the red light from his camera, the countless hours of film, the memories he keeps on tape. He knows film can never do justice to these moments, so he takes a step closer to the center of the circle, engraves it in his heart instead.

  
  


“Two!”

 

Taeyong feels their phone buzzing in their pocket, and they almost drop it when Yuta drapes herself on their shoulder, counting down like nothing else matters but these few seconds. The text message reads, ‘Happy new year, didn’t want to miss it. Let’s make it the best one!’ and Jonghyun’s name at the top of the screen is imprinted behind Taeyong’s eyelids when they close their eyes to greet the dawn.

  
  


“One!”

  
  


Taeil finds beauty in how everyone seems to have let go of their fears, just for these few instants, in this corner of the world. The thought of ever leaving it weighs on their heart but they push it away for now. It’s no use dwelling on things that haven’t come to pass yet, when the present is there for them to take.

  
  


“Happy New Year!”

  
  


Kun closes her eyes when the clock strikes midnight. In the moment, it’s like the world slows down, cheers and congratulations and well wishes going up into the air, washing over her like rain on dried up soil. She feels someone sling an arm around her shoulders and she opens her eyes, finds Yukhei who presses a sloppy kiss to her cheek, Taeyong and Yuta playfully shoving each other to get to her. 

 

A hand takes her away from it all, Ten and Johnny loudly booing as Taeil shoos them away and the three of them laugh, Kun gladly letting herself get swept away in it all.

 

It’s not that it’s been a long time since she’s felt this way, happy and free and ready to take on the world like nothing can hold her back, it’s that it’s the first time she feels like she could get used to it, and she holds Taeil’s hand tightly as they kiss, Taeil smiling against her lips as they part.

 

“Happy New Year?” Kun tries, breathless.

 

Taeil bumps their foreheads together and stays there. “Happy birthday.”

 

She’d almost forgotten again.

 

“I really can’t believe you.” Kun squeezes Taeil’s hand as she looks around the room. “All of you. You’re completely ridiculous.”

 

Around the room, everywhere she looks, there’s no doubt in any of their hearts.

 

“Absolutely.” Taeil follows her gaze, but they always come back to her. “And what about it?”

 

There’s no doubt in Kun’s heart either.

 

“I wouldn’t change any of you for the world.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> many thanks to kay as always for listening to my endless doubts and rambles ;;
> 
> find me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/xuhnflower) if you'd like!~
> 
> love y'all <3


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